More than words

hold hands

I am so grateful and happy to have heard some great and loving words whispered by someone special before the month of August ended…

“Ang saya ko sa’yo eh. 🙂 “

(I am happy with you.)

And I couldn’t stop smiling because it is mutual. Felt like I am on cloud nine. ❤

I am always thanking God for this amazing person.

The most wonderful things really come when you least expect it.

xx

To give up who I like? Uh…

I was greatly moved by the second chapter of my one-to-one (fellowship) with somebody from Church. The topic we discussed is about “lordship”, how we look up to God and let Him lord over our lives (edit: Am I wrong in here? The Lord is the only Lord and no one else). I have already given up trying my own efforts on a lot of things already, because what I do always results to failure, no matter how successful it may seem at first. So I rested all my apprehension unto Him, and all these things in my life that I want Him to lord over…

Except for one thing: LOVE.


Most of the time I keep on thinking, are coincidences intended to happen? I mean, it is not a forced happening, but it seems like they MEAN something that is correlated with a current happening (esp. something important) in our life. I can’t explain thoroughly, but I believe coincidences tell me something. It’s not like I always give meaning to these coincidences, it’s just that there’s already the meaning on the coincidence itself so I need not to think of any meaning anymore.

Why I find it hard to give up my “love life” to the Lord is because I insist to myself that I have to love only one person WHOM I THINK I should love. Honestly, I don’t know too much about this feeling, I have been up and down for liking someone too much et cetera but you know being involved with the feeling feels overwhelming that sometimes I don’t really care if I get hurt in the end. But it’s really terrible to get hurt. 😦

I was holding on to something I believe is worth holding on to, and I am hopelessly hopeful that some intervention will happen (for us to meet and all)! Really, it’s not weird to like an actor but what I have–this is just more than that. I keep on praying and such, asking for signs and such… They kept on showing that I just believed I have finally found my way to the right person now. Or maybe? I keep on believing on having a future with him, I keep on believing that all these things, all the reason why I am here struggling right now is for me to be able to meet him… But is it him, really? What are my Japanese studies for? Why did he even appear in my life if there’s no significance at all?

Then I prayed again…

It’s hard to give up something you really desire, but it’s for my sake. Although he is who I want right now, who I think is the best for me, who I think is the one who will be with me until the end of our days… These are just my thinking. I just set my criteria. If I really believe in the Lord, I would have to let him lord over ALL THE ASPECTS OF MY LIFE, even this love thing.

It’s difficult when you think about it, it’s a valuable thing that you just have to put away to have a new one, but you’re not sure if the new one will equal the former’s value. But I know so well that He knows truly what I want, and He will give me someone who is the BEST for me, and surely, whenever he comes, I will know, and I believe that I will truly love him.

He will arrive when the Lord tells him so. The Lord has His proper time.
It’s exciting and nerve-racking at the same time!
We’ll just have to wait. 🙂

/mushy posts are mushy but yeah things around me nowadays are getting really crazy. 😦

とまれ!

I was feeling dizzy and sleepy this day because I only had 3 hours of sleeeeep.
And my first class starts on 7am. Annnnd I travel 2 hours from home to UST.

Anyway, I stopped by a friend’s page, and I read this:

i love him and i don’t know how to stop.

i need him and i don’t know if i could stop.

i miss him and i don’t know when to stop.

he loved me, and i don’t know why…

… HE STOPPED.

The remark has sorta stabbed me, because only yesterday [when i was sad and i was lonely HAHA!] he was moving away from me, and I felt the same thing. Like, gravity tearing us apart.  I don’t know if what I felt before and what I am feeling now is love. Is it love or is it something else? Yeah, give me time to contemplate about that. But then, I have learned a HELL LOT of definitions of love, and its essence. My opinion about this remark…

I don’t really agree. If you love someone, you know your limits because LOVE is different from FALLING-IN-LOVE. Love is conciously done, and Falling-In-Love is unconciously made; you do not force yourself to liking that particular person.  But we have the choice to stop or not to stop, right? If we overthink “I can’t stop loving you”, then it affects everything else. The mind controls everything, I guess so. Another question I don’t really get:

Everyone says that you follow your heart. But then, the mind also controls the heart, right? Talk about systems. XD

and i am being crazy again.

Then I just remembered what Sir Odchimar said. Always be true to your heart.

So then, if we think we can stop and that’s what the heart tells us and that’s what we want, then go for it. :]

But it hurts, right?!! Just when your infatuation to him grows, his just started to wane. :[

express me.

Today was a very sad day. I don’t know. I don’t wanna be sad but well it’s making me feel that way. A lot of strange things kept on coming my way and I had no one to tell how I really feel today.

So yeah, my blog. My one and only ‘EMOTION SANCTUARY’. I know what I’m gonna write is personal and makes me feel sad, but since it was a part of this day, it has also been a part of my life.

I confessed tonight. I repeated to Jan that I liked him before, I told Philip that yeah I had a hell big crush on him. But of course, I know what they think. It’s sad but I know they don’t care. It’s a small thing, right? Having a crush. You admire one person. But what is there in the word admire when the one you admire doesn’t admire you? Well, they don’t care. Do I really admire them? Those damn infatuations I had and have, it just makes me somber.

To know the fact that every time I started to like somebody, they also started to like somebody else. Continue reading