How have you been? It wasn’t quite a long time since I’ve walked down on memory lane; in fact, I have been visiting for a lot of times recently.
I don’t remember that much about you (because I try to move on and start anew as much as possible), but do you ever feel glad you will be graduating High School at a very young age? Well, everyone knows that the Philippines has a different curriculum compared to the standard international ones, but I could not quite believe you were so young… I bet you have been bullied a lot of times because of that: people calling you a nerd, geek, attention-seeker, intelligent but ugly, loser, etc. I can think of a lot of name-calling and bullying and degrading times. I know you have experienced them all, but how were you able to handle it by yourself at that age?
I believe you’ve also had a blog back then (Xanga? Friendster? You even tried to develop your own website!), and you used to think that your usernames were original… but looking back, you realized it’s not. It’s corny. It’s vile. It’s so not you. Yet those were the only ways you could vent out your anger and frustrations and all the sorrows and sadness you are feeling at that time. Do you remember that time when you started to like writing about your opinions on political topics, racist radio shows (Art Bell) and stuff like that? Because of those things you felt like you had a deeper perception of the world and its people, but truth is, you’re just seeing the glimpse of it all. You began to see that most elites are pathetic and oppressive people who only see those lower than them as slaves.
Yet 14-year-old Jaun, why are you so negative towards yourself?
You’ve had inspirations then. Shall we go on there? It’s funny to think but you actually are a sucker for lads who know a lot but don’t act like a know-it-all. Like a guy whose knowledge contains everything an encyclopedia can handle, is charming, yet stays humble. Wow. But you’ve sank too deep in the infatuation that soon you felt that it’s too icky and exhausting, so you just threw it all, gave up on it, and moved on. There were heartbreaks, but you moved on. But in the end, all you’ve been thinking about alone in your room is, “I am never good enough.” Well, I just thank God you’re not good enough for them and that none of them is the one for you!
But when will you ever be good enough? You felt that being boyish or a tomboy did not help you, so you tried to experiment more on your sexuality. You thought you were mature! But actually you are not (yet); you are just trying to mold yourself to your surroundings and you try to fit your mental age to how your classmates are… And then again you realize, “No I am not yet fully mature; I am just experiencing the things I could’ve coped up with when I’m a bit older. But it happened now and life has to go on.”
You can’t tell these things to the friends you made then, because you’re too afraid they might leave and think you’re too weak. Or simply, you thought they might not listen and understand at all. So most of the time, you are alone and only speak to yourself whenever such difficult situation arises.
You know, I can’t really go back to everything before and I am very happy as to where I am standing right now… But I am thanking God that all those things happened to you— that you’ve experienced so much at a young age and fought through it. Now you have a lot to add on your huge box of memories, experiences, knowledge, and ‘how-to’s.
And that at one point in my life, I became you. I was you. That I and the 14-year-old Jaun used to be the same. You are still a part of my 19-year-old self, and always will be until I leave this world.
Even though those things weren’t grand, I’m glad I have them as memories. At least, you didn’t try to be cool just because you want to fit in to the society. You learned that you don’t live to please people, because you know most of them will go infinite number of ways just to mess with your life, but if you care less, they’ll eventually fuck off. You knew they were not worth all your worrying. You stayed true to who and what you are.
The 19-year-old Jaun