I know I said

I know that I annoy you from time to time, become selfish, and yet I am the one who gets mad and blame you on things you didn’t do or you can’t do. I know I can be such a drama queen because at times my mind is full of petty or negative thoughts and jealousy that came from comparing myself to the people around you, people with you, and people you were with. I know I could be so selfish and needy sometimes because I don’t want to share you or have others steal your attention. I know I always cry when things are uncomfortable and when I am aware that I hurt you; I cry because I feel helpless and regretful that I shouldn’t have said or done it in the first place. I know that I can really be hard to love, especially when I am in a terrible mood because I got stuck on my insecurities and worries again. I know I said gazillion times that I will change my ways and I understand if one day you just blow up and get mad or impatient at me kasi ang kulit ko… And I know I have apologized every single time I acted silly because I find myself unable to change that fast, I still do the things that annoy you, and that I am still the imperfect me.

I don’t know if you believe me when I said I am seeing improvements on the things I am trying to change because I messed up so many times already, but nonetheless I think you do and you are really doing your best to be patient with me. And I don’t want to give any more reports on the improvement since then, because I want my actions to show them instead.

You don’t have to say anything back to me regarding this if ever you read it, and you don’t have to repay me for anything, in fact none of us have to repay for anything, because, as cheesy as this sounds, whenever I feel how much you love me all the things that I thought we were lacking gets filled, and the incompatibilities I thought were there is gone. And that makes you a not sucky boyfriend.

Even if I wasn’t in a great mood today, or some other days of our being together, I am taking this moment to say that I am very thankful that you accept me still… That you understand me still… That you forgive me still… That you love me still, despite all the craziness I have in me. I don’t know for how long, or until when you will continue to do these things, but I want you to know that everything in our relationship matters to me, the good, the bad, the amazing, the terrible, and everything in between, and I am thankful for them all because they helped build us.

I’m sorry because I always say sorry, because I thought apologizing will make it faster for us to be reconciled again whenever we fall apart (or start to). I still have so much to learn in this life, and I am joyful you are there never ceasing to stick with me.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you Lord for letting me be with such a blessing. ๐Ÿ™‚

xxx

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The Provenance

Jaded, she was notโ€”
but realized she could not
somehow
understand herself;
how she learned to
accept every flaw,
every peculiarity, every
Imperfection
about him

Never even
thinking twice if
it was what she really
wantedโ€”
she knows what
she really wantedโ€”

He was
not in the slightest
what she wanted

but he
effortlessly
outshone the rest

Probably the enigmatic
demeanor caught
her,
it does not
matter.

She could not
even let herself feel
at ease
in front of
him, even beside;
her body had
a mind of its
own,
the rhythm
of the
heart misheard.

What is this?
It does not matter.

She dislikes the mess,
but indulges
herself and never
Digresses.

็พๅฎŸใ€‚

ๅ‹ใฆใชใ„ใ“ใจใŒใ‚ใ‹ใ‚‹ใจใ€ใ„ใคใ‚‚ใ™ใใซ่ซฆใ‚ใฆใใŸ
ๅ‘ใๅˆใ†ๅผทใ•ใ‚‚ๆŒใฆใšใซใ€‚

่ชฐใ‚ˆใ‚Šใ‚‚ไธ€็•ชใซใชใ‚ŠใŸใ„ใ‚“ใ ใ‘ใฉใ€็พๅฎŸใฏไธŠๆ‰‹ใใ„ใ‹ใชใ„ใ‚‚ใฎใงใ€
ใ ใ‹ใ‚‰ใ€Œ็”Ÿใใ‚‹ใ“ใจใฃใฆ้›ฃใ—ใ„ใ€ใ€‚

ใธใŸใใใช็”Ÿใๆ–นใ ใจๅ›ใฏๆ€ใ†ใ‹ใช๏ผŸ
ๅค‰ใ‚ใ‚Œใชใ„ๅƒ•ใ ใฃใŸใ‘ใฉใ€ๅŒใ˜ๆ™‚ใ‚’ๅ›ใจๆญฉใ‘ใฐ๏ผŽ๏ผŽ๏ผŽ

ใ€Œๅƒ•ใ‚‰ใฎๆฐธ้ ๏ฝžไฝ•ๅบฆ็”Ÿใพใ‚Œๅค‰ใ‚ใฃใฆใ‚‚ใ€ๆ‰‹ใ‚’็น‹ใŽใŸใ„ใ ใ‘ใ‚’ๆ„›ใ ใ‹ใ‚‰๏ฝžใ€

To give up who I like? Uh…

I was greatly moved by the second chapter of my one-to-one (fellowship) with somebody from Church. The topic we discussed is about “lordship”, how we look up to God and let Him lord over our lives (edit: Am I wrong in here? The Lord is the only Lord and no one else). I have already given up trying my own efforts on a lot of things already, because what I do always results to failure, no matter how successful it may seem at first. So I rested all my apprehension unto Him, and all these things in my life that I want Him to lord over…

Except for one thing: LOVE.


Most of the time I keep on thinking, are coincidences intended to happen? I mean, it is not a forced happening, but it seems like they MEAN something that is correlated with a current happening (esp. something important) in our life. I can’t explain thoroughly, but I believe coincidences tell me something. It’s not like I always give meaning to these coincidences, it’s just that there’s already the meaning on the coincidence itself so I need not to think of any meaning anymore.

Why I find it hard to give up my “love life” to the Lord is because I insist to myself that I have to love only one person WHOM I THINK I should love. Honestly, I don’t know too much about this feeling, I have been up and down for liking someone too much et cetera but you know being involved with the feeling feels overwhelming that sometimes I don’t really care if I get hurt in the end. But it’s really terrible to get hurt. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I was holding on to something I believe is worth holding on to, and I am hopelessly hopeful that some intervention will happen (for us to meet and all)! Really, it’s not weird to like an actor but what I have–this is just more than that. I keep on praying and such, asking for signs and such… They kept on showing that I just believed I have finally found my way to the right person now. Or maybe? I keep on believing on having a future with him, I keep on believing that all these things, all the reason why I am here struggling right now is for me to be able to meet him… But is it him, really? What are my Japanese studies for? Why did he even appear in my life if there’s no significance at all?

Then I prayed again…

It’s hard to give up something you really desire, but it’s for my sake. Although he is who I want right now, who I think is the best for me, who I think is the one who will be with me until the end of our days… These are just my thinking. I just set my criteria. If I really believe in the Lord, I would have to let him lord over ALL THE ASPECTS OF MY LIFE, even this love thing.

It’s difficult when you think about it, it’s a valuable thing that you just have to put away to have a new one, but you’re not sure if the new one will equal the former’s value. But I know so well that He knows truly what I want, and He will give me someone who is the BEST for me, and surely, whenever he comes, I will know, and I believe that I will truly love him.

He will arrive when the Lord tells him so. The Lord has His proper time.
It’s exciting and nerve-racking at the same time!
We’ll just have to wait. ๐Ÿ™‚

/mushy posts are mushy but yeah things around me nowadays are getting really crazy. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

ใ€Œๅ›ใซๅฑŠใ‘ใ€

ใ€Œๅ›ใซๅฑŠใ‘ใ€ใ‚’่ชญใ‚“ใงใ„ใพใ™ใ€‚

Just a while ago at school, we had a quiz. I don’t know what to do because I did not study. I just prayed, and do whatever I could. I have answers, but I’m not sure. Anyway, I told the story of ใ€Œๅ›ใซๅฑŠใ‘ใ€to my friends Clarence and Karla, because I have already influenced them about it. Everyday, they want to hear what happened to a certain chapter~ I’m so happy to tell the story to them. ๐Ÿ˜€

I was about to finish the story, but we have one class left… But fortunately, the professor did not arrive! So I have time to tell them about Chapter 17~ We went inside our organization’s room because there are no officers there, and I told the story to them.

I laughed at their reactions because they really felt happy for the characters, even if I just told the story and showed them my drawing of the characters (I tried my best to draw, so they really look like them, I swear!) And then, we had the opportunity to use the computer, and read 6 more chapters! We were shouting all over the office whenever something cute happens, but we made sure we didn’t interrupt anyone! Haha!

They really liked the story of Yoshida and Sanada-kun! โ™ฅ
Tomorrow, I shall continue telling them about Chapter 24: Christmas. Very fit, because it’s almost Christmas!

๋ˆ„๊ฐ€ “์ž๊ธฐ” ๋ฌด์—‡์ž…๋‹ˆ๊นŒ?

I posted “Call me ์ž๊ธฐ์•ผ! ใ…‹ใ…‹ใ…‹” on Facebook, reluctant that my online friends wouldn’t understand it. And then all of a sudden, a facebook chat box popped up. Someone, who is almost my ์ž๊ธฐ (but now he isn’t), said to me…


[๋น„๋ฐ€]
who is ur ์ž๊ธฐ? ใ…‹ใ…‹

Me
ใ…‹ใ…‹
No one haha

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
call me ์ž๊ธฐ์•ผ ใ…‹ใ…‹

Me
I will call you ์ž๊ธฐ์•ผ? ใ…Žใ…Ž
I don’t want! :)))

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
kk
not me
kk

Me
๋„ค, ๋ฌผ๋ก  ์ด์ฃ ! of course not you ใ…‹ใ…‹ใ…‹

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
๋„ค ๋ฌผ๋ก ์ž…๋‹ˆ๋‹ค

Me
๋ญ? you said what i sad haha
๋ฌด์Šจ ์ผ์ด์•ผ?

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
nothing

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
jus
just
just

Me
I see~
How are you and the brothers and sisters in the Church? I hope they are doing well

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
im fine
and im staying Angeles

Me
in Angeles right now? Wow, that is so far..

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
not so far
only 1hour and half

Me
์•„ ์ง„์งœ, but from my place it is so far. haha
i havent been attending church latetly i wanna see everyone again, but soon ใ…Žใ…Ž

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
u can
if u come in church
ใ…Žใ…Ž

Me
yeah yeah, that’s right

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
if u wanna come here, puwede
ใ…Žใ…Ž

Me
in Angeles?! Yes, it’s puwede but… ahh ์ •๋ง ๋ฉ€๋ฆฌ์žˆ์–ด parents won’t allow me
enjoy being in Angeles!

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
ใ…Žใ…Ž
์ง„์งœ ์•ˆ ๋ฉ€์–ด~!!! but the problem is ur parants kk

Me
hahaha YESSSSS

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
์–ธ์ œ ํ•œ๋ฒˆ ๋†€๋Ÿฌ์™€!!!

Me
Oh yeah, sure
anyway

Me
Wow, nice picture haha
I have to do my project now.. so, ์ž˜์ž์„ธ์š” ๋™ํ˜„! God bless you

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
์ž˜์ž!! ๋‚˜์ค‘์— ๋ณด์ž

Me
์‘ ๋‚˜์ค‘์— ๋ณด์ž~

[๋น„๋ฐ€]
^^


์šฐ์™€์•„์•„~~ ๋‹น์‹ ์€ “์ž๊ธฐ์•ผ”์„ธ์š”? ใ…‹ใ…‹ใ…‹
ํ•˜์ง€๋งŒ, he can’t be.
Good night!