The 4 months neglected and unsaid.


Sometimes I like it when I overthink because I weigh a lot of outcomes in just one situation. But it makes me dizzy.  It destroys so much. Especially my mind, geez, the negativity it gives me.

I’m always on the internet yet I do not find time to put my thoughts and my feelings on here. Sometimes I think, what if brains could explode due to overthinking? Mine has probably been repaired for a lot of times now.

And I wish for it to be repaired, because at the moment it has been out of sorts… in line with my feelings.

Last night I was talking to God (and to myself), asking what really is my purpose in this Earth? I can not even put my talents to good use. I feel like what I currently have is trash and the garbage can is already full of trash from yesterday, the other day, and the past days that I don’t know what to do with them anymore.

Back to the purpose. I believe that we are born here on Earth carrying a mission. Everyone has their own purpose, agenda whatsoever… But I can’t seem to see mine. Thinking about all these things makes me sad, like, “Am I this incompetent? What do I do with my talent/skills? Will I ever get the job I want, in the company I want? Travel and meet the people the people I knew and will know? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO MY LIFE?

Right now,  I feel so left behind. Like I am in some distant planet away from everybody. Maybe people are ahead of me or I’m ahead of them, or I just think and view things differently than most.  I’m 19 and the last greatest thing that happened to me was last March, when I graduated from the uni. After that, everything’s been very shitty. Everyone has found their jobs, been paid with a sum of money, enjoying their life (and I could see the way they are doing everyday and how happy they are), and yet here I am stuck in this house wondering what else can I do with my life with the limited resources.

Which explains why I’m usually on the internet, but I’m just going around the same websites, same stuff… Everything gets tiring and feels like a ruinous routine. 😦 5 months and it feels like I’m staying in a cave alone, not knowing what to do, wishing I’d wake up to a different tomorrow but it’s all the same and I’m unhappy.

I even think of dying and leaving this world. But last night I thought, if I leave this world unhappy, would I really want it? What if the happy(-est) moment arrives tomorrow, or is just around the corner? Well yeah, I have come so far, it’s not reasonable to give up now. But but but I feel so lonely and alone. Then I had a misunderstanding with my friend.

This song by The Smiths is very applicable, except the job part. I cry myself to sleep. I’m so pathetic. 😦

Someone asked me,

Have you got a dream or any opportunity that you’d like to aim towards?

Yes I do. I do have a lot of dreams that I want to come true, I have a lot of goals that I would love to achieve. I believe there is something great in the future, but to get to that we have something to do in the present. I think I am in one of the darkest seasons in my life atm but I know this shall pass. I would really love to travel and open my eyes to a lot of things, if I would be given the opportunity…

You know, I could really feel the effect money has on our lives. I don’t want to think that way but without it, I can’t do anything. We can’t. This is very oppressing.

So it comes down to, how far am I in reaching that dream? Will it make my life easier if my dreams come true?

No matter how I pray, why does it seem like the Lord is hiding away from me?


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