Vexation-activating Automaton

I just had my removals for Automata Theory. I don’t know what to write, but I had to let all these things out because whining/crying is not enough. I had always been on the verge of failing almost every school year, but thank God I was able to endure all those challenges. And then here comes this subject that is challenging my grades and my faith.

We’re already on our last year in college, and heck, this one subject got my life hanging on the line. This is my first time to receive a grade of 5 in my whole 15 years of schooling (I am not bragging), and I am totally in fear of facing the consequences and ruining all the plans awaiting for me after I get out of this. I tried my best to be optimistic and have high hopes that we will pass, until today came. The removal exam was really an “all or nothing”/”life or death” situation, at least for me, because I’m the only one among the exam takers who had to gain a perfect score to pass. I was mad at him for acting indifferent towards us. Wish he could just let us all pass. Geez, I’ve always looked up to him because he’s always been a great professor and an example to us, but I don’t know. I don’t want to take it back. I want to believe that he is still that professor we’ve known since our 2nd year, who motivated us to continue until we’re done.

I feel so bitter, hopeless, shitty, good for nothing, that I began thinking that there is no God anymore, that He is not granting me these things I’m asking for right now. I wasn’t that greedy (I even told him not to give me what I’ve always wanted because this is so important). I tried to understand that I couldn’t have everything I wanted. I’ve endured these challenges before and succeed at the end, but this time I feel like I’m reaching the bottom but I’m still drowning. Why doesn’t He pull me back up? They say He won’t let you fail, but why is He doing this to me? I know it’s so rude of me to question Him, but is He already tired of listening to me?

The only thing I could be very thankful for are these people: my classmates and my friends, who believe in me, who continue to support me until the coming days, who tell me that there is still hope out there. You know, without you guys I really don’t know how long I’d be able to survive whatever is happening to me recently. Every time I think that I have these great people who care for me no matter how I push them away when I don’t want to listen anymore (and they’re still there), I just feel so overwhelmed. I could only wish that all your wishes for me would come true. Thank you very much.

Enough of the drama. The only thing I could rely onto is Him, prayers.

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