To give up who I like? Uh…

I was greatly moved by the second chapter of my one-to-one (fellowship) with somebody from Church. The topic we discussed is about “lordship”, how we look up to God and let Him lord over our lives (edit: Am I wrong in here? The Lord is the only Lord and no one else). I have already given up trying my own efforts on a lot of things already, because what I do always results to failure, no matter how successful it may seem at first. So I rested all my apprehension unto Him, and all these things in my life that I want Him to lord over…

Except for one thing: LOVE.

Most of the time I keep on thinking, are coincidences intended to happen? I mean, it is not a forced happening, but it seems like they MEAN something that is correlated with a current happening (esp. something important) in our life. I can’t explain thoroughly, but I believe coincidences tell me something. It’s not like I always give meaning to these coincidences, it’s just that there’s already the meaning on the coincidence itself so I need not to think of any meaning anymore.

Why I find it hard to give up my “love life” to the Lord is because I insist to myself that I have to love only one person WHOM I THINK I should love. Honestly, I don’t know too much about this feeling, I have been up and down for liking someone too much et cetera but you know being involved with the feeling feels overwhelming that sometimes I don’t really care if I get hurt in the end. But it’s really terrible to get hurt. 😦

I was holding on to something I believe is worth holding on to, and I am hopelessly hopeful that some intervention will happen (for us to meet and all)! Really, it’s not weird to like an actor but what I have–this is just more than that. I keep on praying and such, asking for signs and such… They kept on showing that I just believed I have finally found my way to the right person now. Or maybe? I keep on believing on having a future with him, I keep on believing that all these things, all the reason why I am here struggling right now is for me to be able to meet him… But is it him, really? What are my Japanese studies for? Why did he even appear in my life if there’s no significance at all?

Then I prayed again…

It’s hard to give up something you really desire, but it’s for my sake. Although he is who I want right now, who I think is the best for me, who I think is the one who will be with me until the end of our days… These are just my thinking. I just set my criteria. If I really believe in the Lord, I would have to let him lord over ALL THE ASPECTS OF MY LIFE, even this love thing.

It’s difficult when you think about it, it’s a valuable thing that you just have to put away to have a new one, but you’re not sure if the new one will equal the former’s value. But I know so well that He knows truly what I want, and He will give me someone who is the BEST for me, and surely, whenever he comes, I will know, and I believe that I will truly love him.

He will arrive when the Lord tells him so. The Lord has His proper time.
It’s exciting and nerve-racking at the same time!
We’ll just have to wait. 🙂

/mushy posts are mushy but yeah things around me nowadays are getting really crazy. 😦


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