express me.

Today was a very sad day. I don’t know. I don’t wanna be sad but well it’s making me feel that way. A lot of strange things kept on coming my way and I had no one to tell how I really feel today.

So yeah, my blog. My one and only ‘EMOTION SANCTUARY’. I know what I’m gonna write is personal and makes me feel sad, but since it was a part of this day, it has also been a part of my life.

I confessed tonight. I repeated to Jan that I liked him before, I told Philip that yeah I had a hell big crush on him. But of course, I know what they think. It’s sad but I know they don’t care. It’s a small thing, right? Having a crush. You admire one person. But what is there in the word admire when the one you admire doesn’t admire you? Well, they don’t care. Do I really admire them? Those damn infatuations I had and have, it just makes me somber.

To know the fact that every time I started to like somebody, they also started to like somebody else.

I don’t want to hate them for that. At the age of 13 on 3rd year High School, I tried to understad why is that you can’t always have who you want. Because they are meant for someone else. Because you can’t force their feelings to divert it to you. Feelings are like plants. Love is a plant. It grows and sprouts at the right time. It dies when you don’t take care of it. Love is a season. On the winter season, you feel alone and cold and you wanna hug someone to make you feel warm. On the Spring season, it starts to grow. On the summer season, it gets hotter. And when you didn’t treasure those 2 seasons, there goes Fall: the season where your love starts to wither and die. And the cycle goes on. You are alone, then someone knocks at your heart, and then you’re happy together.

As for my season of love, I always complete those seasons. I hate it and I want to forget them, but I can’t. Like what Jan said, when you love someone, it’s hard to forget them. They always leave something, like a scar. I don’t know. Do I know how to love? Am I too young to know how to love? Why do I cry for someone if I don’t love them? Does that mean anything? And so I agree with the little prince. It is such a secret place- the Land of Tears.

I don’t understand why they ask, but when I answer, it seems like they aren’t listening. Or they just don’t care. You know, it’s really hard to love someone and care for someone who in turn, doesn’t have any concern for you. My friends kept on taming me [haha what a term] and telling me that if the one you like is for you, the Hand of Fate will always do a way to make you two find each other.

So I guess. Whatever. I wanted to cry but it will just make me more sad. My status in YM is so right. I guess I am already tired. Tired to try to love again. I need to take a break. Is that the reason why I always keep myself busy on other things? Yeah maybe. Just so I an forget them even for a while. I hope that when I enter college, I won’t be the one crying over those damn guys I loved before.

 

P.S. I hated my layout coz it’s LOVE. I changed it. T-T

4 thoughts on “express me.

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